While I realize you made this post in jest, the funny thing is that you are at least partially correct.
Font size has always been a core part of the Google ranking algorithm.
While I disagree with the assertion that article length or “article pixel height” has anything at all to do with ranking for an individual keyword, there is a solid basis for font size as a ranking factor, just not in the way it is being suggested by Niko and robertnost.
The fact is that Google has used rendered font size as a factor to distinguish keywords that might be more important and thus weighted more heavily within and article or piece of content. It is discussed in some detail in the original Backrub white paper published by Brin and Page.
We frequently see references to h1 tags as a ranking factor which technically is not true, it always has been the font size, as rendered, and not the tag name that makes the difference. An h1 tag that uses CSS to make the font the same size as all the other text on the page provides no extra weighting in Google’s algorithm, while relatively larger fonts in any HTML element do.